DUMBA GRADING

Some cards get a diamond.
Some get a dookie.

They sell a sticker confirming your already-graded card is even better than the grade already on it. We go the other way. Mail us a slab and we affix a small brown sticker to it, permanently, with super glue and then a strip of Scotch tape over the top, because we stand behind our work. For money.

Certified example

The stickered slab beside its DUMBA Gold Loaf certificate
The slab as returned, and the certificate, included free. The staining is not damage. That is Bike Maker's DNA, which serves as our certificate of authenticity and cannot be counterfeited by anyone unwilling to try. Every DUMBA certificate is a one of one, and a one of one can itself be stickered to increase its value, which we are happy to do for $149.
Card
1988 common, catcher, mid-swing, off center, and not in a way we are going to fix with a sticker
Existing grade
Already graded by somebody who owns a loupe. Cert 00000000, invented.
DUMBA tier
Gold Loaf Skidmark. Three turds, one kernel. Corn count final.
Placement
3.2 degrees off axis. Within tolerance, barely.
Adhesive
Super glue, then Scotch tape over the top.
Final value fee
$149, collected.
Post-certification value
Undetermined. No bids received.

The Turd Standard

Tiers are set by corn. A kernel is our measure of eye appeal, counted by hand at the table, through the slab, by someone having a conversation with somebody else.

The placement standard

Every sticker is applied off center. Slightly. Never enough to look intentional, always enough that your eye finds it and cannot leave. We are a company built entirely on eye appeal, which is why placement is done by hand, at a folding table, by a grader holding a coffee in the other hand and talking to someone else.

Minimum tilt
2 degrees. Anything straighter is rejected by our quality team.
Maximum tilt
Whatever the room is doing.
Straight placement requests
Logged, acknowledged, ignored.
Reapplication policy
We will fix it. The new one will be crooked in a different direction.

Our story

Bike Maker mid-inspection
Actual photo of Bike Maker grading your shitty card. This is point two of the two point inspection process. Point one was picking it up.

Bike Maker spent thirty years building bicycles and watching kids clothespin cards into the spokes and ride them straight into the fucking pavement. Those were the only honest cards in the hobby—shredded, creased, tire-fucked into oblivion. Meanwhile the industry was out here sticking diamonds on cards that were already perfectly fine.

So he quit the bikes, kept the clothespins, and opened a company that grades cards somebody else already graded. With turds.

First submission: 1987 Topps common, fresh tread marks across the face, smelled like a driveway. Two kernels. Sticker applied crooked as shit, then taped down so it stays crooked forever. $149, cash, no receipt. The customer never spoke to him again. Bike took that as proof the system works.

Reviews

Printed here proudly, in full, without context.

We grade graded cards now. Yes, your 10 is a 10. That will be fifty dollars.Our own marketing director, quitting
The sticker certifies your card is in the top 15 percent. Of what, measured how, against which cards, we have never said and will not start now.Standards page, paragraph 1
You cannot check a card for trimming through a sealed slab. We checked. Through the slab.Internal memo, never acted on
No customer has ever submitted a second card. Not one, not ever, in the entire history of the company. We find this encouraging.Quarterly investor letter, page one of one
Buying one does not give you a business degree. We have had to clarify this twice.FAQ, question 4
Use your own eyes. Then pay us to tell you what you just saw.Booth banner, 2026 show season

Free look

No scanner. No loupe. No card required.

Our graders are on a break they started in March.